Saturday, March 31, 2018

Waiting for the promise

After the initial shock and stinging sadness, what did they do?  Did the disciples find cover in the outer skirts of Jerusalem or have friends in town they could trust?  They had left everything to follow Him.  Given up everything these now fishers of men.  And now this.
Did they mull over all that He said.  Did they even remember Lazarus?  What they had witnessed?
How do you survive the in-between time?  When all seems lost?  When every ounce of your being wants to cling to hope.
Just maybe.
But doubt crowds in on hope.  Even before hope has a chance.
Mocking us
Laughing at us

The disciples must have eventually found each other as a group of them were together when Jesus appeared.  Finding safety in numbers.
Recounting the days
All they had experienced together.
This just couldn't be the end.

Moving forward when all you thought you understood to be true is ripped away, violently
without warning
or time to prepare
is like the wind being knocked out of you.

But there was preparation.
They had yet to see it.
Vision was stunted.
The grief masked the promise He had made.

They had been with him, for 3 years.
Shared life.
And no matter what was to come now,
They would never be the same.

And so we find ourselves
in those moments
for the promise.

For I am with you always, He said.
Never the same, renewing  us everyday.

Monday, March 26, 2018

a cross in the way

It's holy week.
Jesus knew what was coming.  He knew all along what it was going to take to live.  For us to live.  There was just no other way but through a cross,
a broken body
a laying down
and looking up.

We see it coming too.  Sense it's breathing on our backs yet wanting to avoid,
look away

It's what we do when the hard things press in and presents itself.  Searching for another route, opinion or relief often causes panic.  Seeking to fulfill the void our fears leave with anything and everything to ease it.  The pain of the truth.

Jesus prepared well all along for the truth to reveal itself.  This week we reflect the very essence of our celebration that is Easter.  How to even prepare for it.  For the truth.  His preparation was
In his preparation Jesus even begs the question, "Is there another way for this hard thing?"

We have moments and situations when there is another way. 
Another choice, another answer.

Life saving eternity hung in the balance and there was no other way
except through a cross.
Centuries have passed and the question still begs;
God ~ any other way?  Can I get around this hard thing?
I am believing in You my creator.   You can take this from me.
And sometimes He will.

Yet in Matthew's gospel (ch 16, verse 24) he quotes Jesus ~ "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross and follow me."

I am broken by the awareness of my own selfishness, wanting Easter without the cross.
The celebration before the laying down
The looking out before looking up.

Me too Jesus.
Break down the truth of my selfishness,
my own way.
Search my heart, my intentions
and line them up with yours.
Prepare me.

The only way to Easter is through the cross. 

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Pushing into uncomfortable space

Just when you decide to step into uncomfortable space, you get uncomfortable. Your heart pounds at the thought of not being good enough.  
And it happens.  
You're not good enough. 
Standing bare as it all unravels and  you wonder why?  With all the effort and heart for it to be better, different this time.  It's strange really as I look back.  Why do I even wonder.  Why am I even striving for good enough?
I don't think I can pinpoint when it all started.   Markers along the way confirmed by the past voices in my head give me clues.  Little windows of memories from early days when words would come out stuttered or being unpicked, unnoticed or simply told- 
we are going with someone else
you were good, but not good enough

maybe wasn't spoken
but what my heart heard.

This story isn't unique or even sad in comparison to others.  A family who provided for, loved and offered wings so I could fly.  More than enough to get a girl off the ground.  It was what reeled in my own head, sabotaging my own soul that spoke the loudest. 
And when you found the love of your life and the children you were honored to love and give wings to, voices again returned even still.  And while living in your passion and risking being vulnerable to the world, the reminder were good, but not good enough. 
Good enough for...??  This is the battle.  The discovery we each find ourselves reaching.  Realizing my critic.   Pushing into uncomfortable space.

My mind wants to so desperately to say that I am healed and the battle is over.   That I am in complete wholeness with Jesus, no longer concerned about being good enough.  Seems there are days that I allow myself to sense it and breath easy.  The freedom of it.  

With everything I can muster and know to be true,  I am healing.

Healing because I wake up today less afraid.  Inching forward and resting easier in who God says I am.  Even though it can feel uncomfortable,  I am compelled to encourage all of us in this journey to being enough.  We must stay in it and find freedom.  Guess this is why I cling to Corinthians 12 as a way through this journey for me as I resonate what Paul writes-

Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.”So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

He says I am enough because He is enough.  #pushingintouncomfortablespace

Thursday, March 8, 2018

half a century

Once you live half a century, aren't you supposed to finally have it all together?  Figured out?  Or at least, have made peace with all that is....and isn't.  I long to write beautiful words about the wind blowing through the trees and how my heart soars with laughter or something like that.  I do love poetry and offering words of encouragement.  Laying out markers of hope to those behind me to keep going.  Reassurance that all will be well.
And it will.
But after five decades, this is what I got-

nothing has turned out the way I thought it would
my expectations have been humbled

truth is hard to find
only the one true God brings clarity

brokenness is where healing begins
walls may block out pain
but it also blocks out all the love trying to get in

pray all the time

even the day you reach weight, hair and relationship goals
at the end it's the inner self that needs the most courage
to be who you are and love those in front of you

every one of us has a hole
only our creator God can fill
and even the good stuff we want to put in
must emptied

only the armor of God can combat
all the lies the enemy spewing
not good enough

grace is a gift
from God
and poured out to others

and I get to choose
to embrace the life I have been given
and release all that I wish was
and love all that is right here
in front of me