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Showing posts from March, 2018

Waiting for the promise

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After the initial shock and stinging sadness, what did they do?  Did the disciples find cover in the outer skirts of Jerusalem or have friends in town they could trust?  They had left everything to follow Him.  Given up everything these now fishers of men.  And now this.
Did they mull over all that He said.  Did they even remember Lazarus?  What they had witnessed?
How do you survive the in-between time?  When all seems lost?  When every ounce of your being wants to cling to hope.
Just maybe.
But doubt crowds in on hope.  Even before hope has a chance.
Mocking us
Laughing at us

The disciples must have eventually found each other as a group of them were together when Jesus appeared.  Finding safety in numbers.
Recounting the days
All they had experienced together.
This just couldn't be the end.

Moving forward when all you thought you understood to be true is ripped away, violently
without warning
or time to prepare
is like the wind being knocked out of you.

But there was preparatio…

a cross in the way

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It's holy week.
Jesus knew what was coming.  He knew all along what it was going to take to live.  For us to live.  There was just no other way but through a cross,
a broken body
a laying down
and looking up.

We see it coming too.  Sense it's breathing on our backs yet wanting to avoid,
look away
deny.

It's what we do when the hard things press in and presents itself.  Searching for another route, opinion or relief often causes panic.  Seeking to fulfill the void our fears leave with anything and everything to ease it.  The pain of the truth.

Jesus prepared well all along for the truth to reveal itself.  This week we reflect the very essence of our celebration that is Easter.  How to even prepare for it.  For the truth.  His preparation was
purposeful
intentional
relational.
In his preparation Jesus even begs the question, "Is there another way for this hard thing?"

We have moments and situations when there is another way. 
Another choice, another answer.

Life sa…

Pushing into uncomfortable space

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Just when you decide to step into uncomfortable space, you get uncomfortable. Your heart pounds at the thought of not being good enough.  
And it happens.  
You're not good enough. 
Standing bare as it all unravels and  you wonder why?  With all the effort and heart for it to be better, different this time.  It's strange really as I look back.  Why do I even wonder.  Why am I even striving for good enough?
I don't think I can pinpoint when it all started.   Markers along the way confirmed by the past voices in my head give me clues.  Little windows of memories from early days when words would come out stuttered or being unpicked, unnoticed or simply told- 
we are going with someone else
you were good, but not good enough

maybe wasn't spoken
but what my heart heard.

This story isn't unique or even sad in comparison to others.  A family who provided for, loved and offered wings so I could fly.  More than enough to get a girl off the ground.  It was what reeled in my own head…

half a century

Once you live half a century, aren't you supposed to finally have it all together?  Figured out?  Or at least, have made peace with all that is....and isn't.  I long to write beautiful words about the wind blowing through the trees and how my heart soars with laughter or something like that.  I do love poetry and offering words of encouragement.  Laying out markers of hope to those behind me to keep going.  Reassurance that all will be well.
And it will.
But after five decades, this is what I got-

nothing has turned out the way I thought it would
my expectations have been humbled

truth is hard to find
only the one true God brings clarity

brokenness is where healing begins
walls may block out pain
but it also blocks out all the love trying to get in

pray all the time

even the day you reach weight, hair and relationship goals
at the end it's the inner self that needs the most courage
to be who you are and love those in front of you

every one of us has a hole
only our creator…