Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Pushing into uncomfortable space

Just when you decide to step into uncomfortable space, you get uncomfortable. Your heart pounds at the thought of not being good enough.  
And it happens.  
You're not good enough. 
Standing bare as it all unravels and  you wonder why?  With all the effort and heart for it to be better, different this time.  It's strange really as I look back.  Why do I even wonder.  Why am I even striving for good enough?
I don't think I can pinpoint when it all started.   Markers along the way confirmed by the past voices in my head give me clues.  Little windows of memories from early days when words would come out stuttered or being unpicked, unnoticed or simply told- 
we are going with someone else
you were good, but not good enough

maybe wasn't spoken
but what my heart heard.

This story isn't unique or even sad in comparison to others.  A family who provided for, loved and offered wings so I could fly.  More than enough to get a girl off the ground.  It was what reeled in my own head, sabotaging my own soul that spoke the loudest. 
And when you found the love of your life and the children you were honored to love and give wings to, voices again returned even still.  And while living in your passion and risking being vulnerable to the world, the reminder were good, but not good enough. 
Good enough for...??  This is the battle.  The discovery we each find ourselves reaching.  Realizing my critic.   Pushing into uncomfortable space.

My mind wants to so desperately to say that I am healed and the battle is over.   That I am in complete wholeness with Jesus, no longer concerned about being good enough.  Seems there are days that I allow myself to sense it and breath easy.  The freedom of it.  

With everything I can muster and know to be true,  I am healing.

Healing because I wake up today less afraid.  Inching forward and resting easier in who God says I am.  Even though it can feel uncomfortable,  I am compelled to encourage all of us in this journey to being enough.  We must stay in it and find freedom.  Guess this is why I cling to Corinthians 12 as a way through this journey for me as I resonate what Paul writes-

Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.”So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

He says I am enough because He is enough.  #pushingintouncomfortablespace

Thursday, March 8, 2018

half a century

Once you live half a century, aren't you supposed to finally have it all together?  Figured out?  Or at least, have made peace with all that is....and isn't.  I long to write beautiful words about the wind blowing through the trees and how my heart soars with laughter or something like that.  I do love poetry and offering words of encouragement.  Laying out markers of hope to those behind me to keep going.  Reassurance that all will be well.
And it will.
But after five decades, this is what I got-

nothing has turned out the way I thought it would
my expectations have been humbled

truth is hard to find
only the one true God brings clarity

brokenness is where healing begins
walls may block out pain
but it also blocks out all the love trying to get in

pray all the time

even the day you reach weight, hair and relationship goals
at the end it's the inner self that needs the most courage
to be who you are and love those in front of you

every one of us has a hole
only our creator God can fill
and even the good stuff we want to put in
must emptied

only the armor of God can combat
all the lies the enemy spewing
not good enough

grace is a gift
from God
and poured out to others

and I get to choose
to embrace the life I have been given
and release all that I wish was
and love all that is right here
in front of me

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

New Adjustments

He wants to do something new.
Of course, God, let's do this.  I mean the last few years, beginning with the fall of 2014, my life has been all about adjustments like dropping off my kids at college, each choosing different states and paths, with the latest this last fall.  Along with the empty nest adjustment, we find ourselves in a new ministry,  in a new state, new home, new everything really, including a new decade.

And He still wants to do something new and it has nothing to do with all this new external.
I feel deep within.  An adjustment of a mindset that has crept in. A wound really that just hasn't healed.  Or I haven't allowed it to heal because it lingers.  The fear of hoping again pushes in even when my hands are open and I have released it's clutch.

So a couple of months ago, I decided to stop being afraid, even declaring myself pushing into uncomfortable space.  I was going to hope again.  Begin new ministry and jump back into the game.  (#pushingintouncomfortablespace)
Can the final layer of healing happen by a change of mindset? I have decided that yes, it's true.
I am walking in that decision to not allow this thing of a wound to linger and haunt.  My mind is ready for this new adjustment.  To hope again.  And even though, yes, that happened
and yes, it hurt.
And yes, it may hurt again.
Hope is alive and yes, God can heal.
Courage, Dear Heart.  (C.S. Lewis)
 Time to let go.  He has something new.

I don't think they even know but I need to tell them because those moments, I was revived.  And the words came easier and my confidence began to swell.  I now have a reason.
"You are a really good writer mom, why did you stop?" texted my far away college boy who I didn't even know was paying attention.  Because in my mind, it didn't matter and no one was. 
But it wasn't until a coast away, and my 3 children looking at me with confidence;  "they need you mom, to help with worship. Go for it."  And my daughter beginning her own blog, stepping out in faith, that I find myself here again.  Making my writing more public.  Casting it out there.

We all need a fan, just one really.  One who will remind us that there is purpose in your passion.  In what makes your heart soar. Who would of thought that my children would be the fans I needed.  Echoing words I have been encouraging them with and now here I am.

So Austin, Caleb and Hannah - I do this for you even if no one else ever reads.  So you know that your momma perseveres through the challenges and that it isn't just me encouraging you in life's battles but it is me armoring up with you, alongside of you, fighting too.

Check out Hannah's blog!