And it happens.
You're not good enough.
Standing bare as it all unravels and you wonder why? With all the effort and heart for it to be better, different this time. It's strange really as I look back. Why do I even wonder. Why am I even striving for good enough?
I don't think I can pinpoint when it all started. Markers along the way confirmed by the past voices in my head give me clues. Little windows of memories from early days when words would come out stuttered or being unpicked, unnoticed or simply told-
you were good, but not good enough
maybe wasn't spoken
but what my heart heard.
This story isn't unique or even sad in comparison to others. A family who provided for, loved and offered wings so I could fly. More than enough to get a girl off the ground. It was what reeled in my own head, sabotaging my own soul that spoke the loudest.
And when you found the love of your life and the children you were honored to love and give wings to, voices again returned even still. And while living in your passion and risking being vulnerable to the world, the reminder remains...you were good, but not good enough.
Good enough for...?? This is the battle. The discovery we each find ourselves reaching. Realizing my critic. Pushing into uncomfortable space.
My mind wants to so desperately to say that I am healed and the battle is over. That I am in complete wholeness with Jesus, no longer concerned about being good enough. Seems there are days that I allow myself to sense it and breath easy. The freedom of it.
With everything I can muster and know to be true, I am healing.
Healing because I wake up today less afraid. Inching forward and resting easier in who God says I am. Even though it can feel uncomfortable, I am compelled to encourage all of us in this journey to being enough. We must stay in it and find freedom. Guess this is why I cling to Corinthians 12 as a way through this journey for me as I resonate what Paul writes-