Tuesday, September 20, 2016

the unspoken (and kinda where the new blog name comes from)

There are seasons of life that are so personal and vulnerable that you can hardly mutter a word of it's existence.  And no one prepared me for this and these emotions.  I glean inspiration and support from those who have gone before and speak of the empty nest and how much I will love all the "me time". And I hear from those behind who look up to me wondering how they are going to navigate the teen years, claiming their jealousy of my new status in life.
As I enter into the mid-life, I struggle to find anyone who will speak of it.  Or shall I say during it.  Of the hard and the emotions.   The loneliness and sense of the best has already been.  Yet I am floundering through.  My journal is packed with writing of the last year, but the words didn't make it here.  Guess I haven't been ready to share them.
This week fall begins, my second turns 19, spending his first birthday thousands of miles away settling into his new adventure at FSU and just 2 weeks ago my baby turned 17, kicking off her Senior year of High School.  My 1st finds himself in the midst of a "re-start" and working hard at carving out his way.  And here I clinging onto summer with a death grip but welcoming the crisp air and autumn aromas.  After moving my son into college and watching him walk away with confidence, I was assured a peace.  My husband and I had a 4 hour drive back to the airport and had a moment to eat at a favorite lunch spot before dropping off the rental and heading to our gate.  It was just the 2 of us and when we prayed for each of them because that is what we always did together when we prayed, mentioning the one missing from the 5 of us. my breath caught and our eyes met.
No words, but tears welled.  #2 was now all tucked in Tallahassee, 1 and 3 on the other side of this continent.
And it hit me raw.  We were all separated.  For the next several minutes we ate in silence, knowing that if either of us spoke a word, we would have melted.  I had already put back on my sunglasses (and you can get away with that in Florida) to hide the tears.  In that silence, God knew my heart was needing to hear, if just a whisper, something.  Then, He spoke so clearly...
"I am holding them"  Trust Me"

As I breathed out, peace swept forth and my heart settled.

He truly does hold us. I know this because at each moment that I haven needed Him and have acknowledged that.  He was there.  He always was.

As much as I woudl love to be with my children when they take off on their own.  I have to trust God with them and then relax in knowing  He Holds  as I watch them with pride go forward.  I have to let them go for them to grow.
Our last Faimily photo before heading to the airport to take Caleb to FSU- and yes, I am teary!

Help me God to do this season well.