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Thursday, August 6, 2015

When you feel like "here goes nothing" but you do it anyway

On my deck where I spent most of my summer.
This summer I needed to reflect.  To pray.  To seek.  This past year I started a full time job in the same month I dropped off my oldest at college 8 hours away.   And that is only the major changes.  Now I stare at it again with another boy readying to launch next year.  And because my life slowed down enough for me to spend the most of July letting go of my breath, I did.  Exhaling into all this.  Breaking it all down and soaking it all in.  Searching for what it all means for me, these changes.

Some days I feel like the best of my life has already come and gone~
babies almost grown- gone are the long days of parks and picnics, legos and barbies
ministry is more difficult- gone are the fast-paced days of youth ministry,  fall retreats and rocking worship
and my body betrays me- my skin is just different and my reflection does not reflect the girl who still lives inside.

Everything can seem so much harder, sadder and plain exhausting.  All of the promise of the best before us- that when the hard seasons came, you could look ahead and know you still had time- and energy.
How to stop the constant reminder of all that is behind me.  To stop living like it's "strap in and hold on" until we get to the end of this thing.  Living with these thoughts permeating my mind is killing my joy.
So I listened to my own words.  Words I wrote.  It has been well over a year since I have even opened up by blog.  As I have been seeking and praying all month, my heart has kept telling me to write again.  And I kept saying no.  Who cares anyways.......  the world does not need another blog or writer of some "awe-inspiring" thought. 
But today.  I opened it again.
And I remembered my joy.
I cannot stop time.  I cannot change situations.  I can only allow God to continue to change my heart to be more like His.  Everyday. 
So here goes nothing.  If anything, I write to take back my joy and remember from where my strength lies.
From Isaiah 40
28 
Have you never heard?

    Have you never understood?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of all the earth.
He never grows weak or weary.
    No one can measure the depths of his understanding.
29 He gives power to the weak
    and strength to the powerless.
30 Even youths will become weak and tired,
    and young men will fall in exhaustion.
31 But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
    They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
    They will walk and not faint.