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Thursday, September 8, 2011

anger

"Why are you making me do this?  You are a terrible mom........" came pouring out of an angry boy this morning.
Crushing words tearing right through my heart.
Making my way back inside after watching them go, I held back the tears.


And not for the reason you may think.
Yes, it hurts.....Punctures my ego as a mother.

Mostly though, I hurt for him. For all the anger inside calling out.
For all the changes he has had to endure this year.
For the goodbyes.....

Haven't I asked the same?  The why are you doing this to me God?
Why must I say goodbye?
Haven't I had this same anger?  And hurt for what has happened.
When things of this world.......circumstances in life.......my plans- good plans...
didn't unfold as I presumed and even trusted in.

What do you do with all this anger and hurt?
The obvious is giving it to God.......
yes, of course.
Easy enough.  But what about the next day.  When the wounds are healing?
or maybe not.

For me it has been in the digging and reading.
Reading over and over what I know to be true
despite what I was feeling.
I must have read this passage from the Bible a million times-
This morning I read it in a different version.
Listen to Him speak this to you...

I'll show up and take care of you as I promised......I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. "When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. "When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed."   (Jeremiah 29:11-14 from The Message)

And He does.
And He will.
And what I am reminded of as the sting of my boy's words linger, is that because I love my son, I will continue to hold him up, walking him through this.  Because I have been there and I can see that he does have a hope and that it is going to get better.  It already has- the boy is having trouble seeing it.  But I can.
Just like my heavenly father can see for me.
So I trust when I can't see.
Letting go of the anger.
The hurt.
Allowing His embrace to be all that I need.....getting serious about finding Him and wanting it more than anything else.

And simply knowing that His plan is best.  Always best
I so want to live in the best!

Help my son today Jesus.......and all of us who wrestle with anger, disappointment, hurt.......

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